Faith and Santa

So here it is almost 2011. Glad to see 2010 go. Very tough year. Spent the last weeks walking around the rubble of my own doing asking God, myself, my family and my friends some tough questions. And I wish I had more answers. But I don't.

The biggest question I've had to ask myself is, "Am I a person of faith?"

Hebrews says that Faith is the substance of the things we hope for, and the evidence of things that are unseen.

I find it really funny that I'm in this process right now - during Christmas time. My kids are all about Santa Clause. They go on and on discussing the nice vs. naughty list, the logistical challenges of global overnight package delivery, what is or is not considered breaking and entering (especially when there is no chimney), and other things of that nature.

Kaley, my 6 year old, is all in to the Santa thing. She even has her brother convinced that last year she went on a sleigh ride with Rudolph when they stopped by the house. She has no problem falling completely into the story and placing herself right in the middle of this tale. It's pretty amazing, actually.

Abby, my oldest, is a lot more like me (sadly). She's an evidence girl. She'll talk about about Santa, and even though she was a part of buying the presents for my stocking - she tells me that "Santa got it" for me. She's more of a realist; yet is able to join in the fun conversation of St. Nick with the other two.

Sounds a lot like me.

I've had to really dig deep. Do I actually BELIEVE in God? Do I have faith in something I can't see? Sometimes, it seems less crazy to believe in Santa Clause. At least Santa leaves some evidence of his existence (fraudulent though it may be). I look around me and I see broken Christians. I see my heart filled with sin and corruption. I see hypocrites. There are times that I feel like everything I see points to a no-god reality. If God has offered me salvation, why am I still so broken and hurt? If God offers redemption, why is there so much sin, emotionalism, arrogance and duplicity in the church?

And yet, His reality is my deepest hope. And I search for His substance, His evidence. Everyday I have to get up, look in the mirror and ask myself if I'm really going to believe all of it. And the answer is yes. Though it is not easy.

There are many days I feel that my own humanity will thwart God's ability to show His reality in my life. I don't doubt Him, I doubt me. And with good reason. There are many days that I feel unworthy of salvation, unworthy of grace (and please spare me the Sunday school talk about how none of us are worthy; I already know that - some of us sure do a great job of making others feel more worthy than others). All of this talk about duplicity and sin in the church is directed mostly toward me, you understand. I'm the one who is the hypocrite. I'm the one who, despite my best efforts (and again, spare me the talk about not needing to "try" or put forth effort and just let God blah blah blah - I'm talking about reality here) can not get it right. I just can't get it right. I know all the scriptures, I've sang all the songs, I've said all the prayers - and have fully meant all of it most of the time. Shouldn't this come easier now? Why do I feel like most of my fruit is rotten? I'm tired of trying, and even more tired of failing. And I ask myself, "Why?"

And the answer I come to is that if I choose not to believe then I fall into an abyss of despair that is far deeper than the one I have dug for myself. If I choose to reject God's reality, then there is absolutely nothing I can stand on and hold to. So, I believe. Though I am still searching for the evidence.

I'm hurt. I'm broken. From my own actions. From others. I feel hopeless. Worthless. I feel damaged at the core, unable to be fixed. Rejected. I guess that's the biggest one, rejected.

And even here as I weep - I hear the voice the Word speaking to me about Jesus: "He was despised and rejected by men." Comforting words for certain (though the dark part of me reminds me that He didn't do anything wrong, He had no reason to be rejected - I certainly have done wrong and deserve the rejection I feel). Still it's comforting to know that I can sit down with Him and say - "this really sucks, and I'm really tired." And He can identify with those feelings (thanks again, Hebrews).

So there's a little evidence for me today. It's not much, but maybe it'll be enough.

As I continue to survey the wreckage of my life, as I start to try and reconcile the heartbreak I feel and the heartbreak I have caused; I plead for God to show me more evidence, more substance. As I continue to wonder about the days ahead and all the questions that come along with it, I plead for God to show me more evidence, more substance. There's so much that points to it all being made up, some elaborate fairy tale.

But today, I'm choosing to believe.

Kaley, come here. Tell me about Santa.


(p.s. if this is considered mustard seed faith, I've got some mountains I need to talk to)