Alright follow me on this.
This is your typical New Year's blog post. Sorry. Obligatory (I actually got a harassment call from some guy named Franky at blogger.com threatening me within an inch of my life if I didn't post something).
Here are my thoughts about the New Year and me.
Have you ever seen those horror movies where people are running away from some dreaded pin-headed, metal finger-nailed, pointy-toothed creature. They are running and running and running, then the camera pulls back and the tunnel just keeps getting longer and longer - they don't seem to progress at all.
I have often felt like that's what the process of our being "made new" is like. We work and pray and strive and just when we think we are making progress we look up and the journey is so much further. Or like that scene at the end of one of the Lord of the Rings movies: Frodo and Sam spend the whole movie dodging spiders, giant creatures made of fire, slimy green schizophrenics and horse riding skeletons and finally scale mountain. We think the movie is over! They made it! Yes! But NOOOOOO. Camera pulls back and several miles in the distance you see the harsh glow of Mordor. So many more trials left to endure. I remember a feeling massive sense of pop-cultural injustice at that scene. I wanted closure. I wanted results.
Our journey is a lot like that.
So here's my resolve for 2011:
Phillipians says:
"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (3:13b-14)
I'm forgetting what is behind. What's done is done. What is confessed is forgiven. What is history can be analyzed or dissected and learned from but I know that I could remain paralyzed in hurt and fear and resentment. I'm forgetting what is behind.
I'm straining toward what is ahead. I don't know what lies ahead. I know I've faced some fire-breathers in my day. I have been Gollum. But I choose to let the Spirit continue to work on and in me, though there may be days I see no results or progress. It is a strain. My soul aches from the strain. I wonder if there are times that God pushes us to the edge of what we believe and forces us to look around. To see the bleak world that lies beyond what our acknowledgment of who He is and what He can, will, can't or won't do. That is a frightening place to be. But that's the reality of where we are. The reality of where I am. And I am forced to ask myself the question of whether or not I have the courage to believe enough to take the next step. I'm straining toward what is ahead.
And there's a prize. I have to believe that. I have to tell myself that it's not American-consumerist-egocentricity to just take that scripture at face value. I don't know what the prize is. But even the gift of peace in the middle of fiery trials is enough for me.
So that's my resolve.
And I want to train for and run a half marathon.
And I want to have a good relationship with my wife and kids. And parents.
And I'm not going to self loathe (as much).
And I'm going to write more.
I'm resolving to try and embrace life. Hard as it may be. I can't do it myself. I'll need your help. And God's too.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Faith and Santa
So here it is almost 2011. Glad to see 2010 go. Very tough year. Spent the last weeks walking around the rubble of my own doing asking God, myself, my family and my friends some tough questions. And I wish I had more answers. But I don't.
The biggest question I've had to ask myself is, "Am I a person of faith?"
Hebrews says that Faith is the substance of the things we hope for, and the evidence of things that are unseen.
I find it really funny that I'm in this process right now - during Christmas time. My kids are all about Santa Clause. They go on and on discussing the nice vs. naughty list, the logistical challenges of global overnight package delivery, what is or is not considered breaking and entering (especially when there is no chimney), and other things of that nature.
Kaley, my 6 year old, is all in to the Santa thing. She even has her brother convinced that last year she went on a sleigh ride with Rudolph when they stopped by the house. She has no problem falling completely into the story and placing herself right in the middle of this tale. It's pretty amazing, actually.
Abby, my oldest, is a lot more like me (sadly). She's an evidence girl. She'll talk about about Santa, and even though she was a part of buying the presents for my stocking - she tells me that "Santa got it" for me. She's more of a realist; yet is able to join in the fun conversation of St. Nick with the other two.
Sounds a lot like me.
I've had to really dig deep. Do I actually BELIEVE in God? Do I have faith in something I can't see? Sometimes, it seems less crazy to believe in Santa Clause. At least Santa leaves some evidence of his existence (fraudulent though it may be). I look around me and I see broken Christians. I see my heart filled with sin and corruption. I see hypocrites. There are times that I feel like everything I see points to a no-god reality. If God has offered me salvation, why am I still so broken and hurt? If God offers redemption, why is there so much sin, emotionalism, arrogance and duplicity in the church?
And yet, His reality is my deepest hope. And I search for His substance, His evidence. Everyday I have to get up, look in the mirror and ask myself if I'm really going to believe all of it. And the answer is yes. Though it is not easy.
There are many days I feel that my own humanity will thwart God's ability to show His reality in my life. I don't doubt Him, I doubt me. And with good reason. There are many days that I feel unworthy of salvation, unworthy of grace (and please spare me the Sunday school talk about how none of us are worthy; I already know that - some of us sure do a great job of making others feel more worthy than others). All of this talk about duplicity and sin in the church is directed mostly toward me, you understand. I'm the one who is the hypocrite. I'm the one who, despite my best efforts (and again, spare me the talk about not needing to "try" or put forth effort and just let God blah blah blah - I'm talking about reality here) can not get it right. I just can't get it right. I know all the scriptures, I've sang all the songs, I've said all the prayers - and have fully meant all of it most of the time. Shouldn't this come easier now? Why do I feel like most of my fruit is rotten? I'm tired of trying, and even more tired of failing. And I ask myself, "Why?"
And the answer I come to is that if I choose not to believe then I fall into an abyss of despair that is far deeper than the one I have dug for myself. If I choose to reject God's reality, then there is absolutely nothing I can stand on and hold to. So, I believe. Though I am still searching for the evidence.
I'm hurt. I'm broken. From my own actions. From others. I feel hopeless. Worthless. I feel damaged at the core, unable to be fixed. Rejected. I guess that's the biggest one, rejected.
And even here as I weep - I hear the voice the Word speaking to me about Jesus: "He was despised and rejected by men." Comforting words for certain (though the dark part of me reminds me that He didn't do anything wrong, He had no reason to be rejected - I certainly have done wrong and deserve the rejection I feel). Still it's comforting to know that I can sit down with Him and say - "this really sucks, and I'm really tired." And He can identify with those feelings (thanks again, Hebrews).
So there's a little evidence for me today. It's not much, but maybe it'll be enough.
As I continue to survey the wreckage of my life, as I start to try and reconcile the heartbreak I feel and the heartbreak I have caused; I plead for God to show me more evidence, more substance. As I continue to wonder about the days ahead and all the questions that come along with it, I plead for God to show me more evidence, more substance. There's so much that points to it all being made up, some elaborate fairy tale.
But today, I'm choosing to believe.
Kaley, come here. Tell me about Santa.
(p.s. if this is considered mustard seed faith, I've got some mountains I need to talk to)
The biggest question I've had to ask myself is, "Am I a person of faith?"
Hebrews says that Faith is the substance of the things we hope for, and the evidence of things that are unseen.
I find it really funny that I'm in this process right now - during Christmas time. My kids are all about Santa Clause. They go on and on discussing the nice vs. naughty list, the logistical challenges of global overnight package delivery, what is or is not considered breaking and entering (especially when there is no chimney), and other things of that nature.
Kaley, my 6 year old, is all in to the Santa thing. She even has her brother convinced that last year she went on a sleigh ride with Rudolph when they stopped by the house. She has no problem falling completely into the story and placing herself right in the middle of this tale. It's pretty amazing, actually.
Abby, my oldest, is a lot more like me (sadly). She's an evidence girl. She'll talk about about Santa, and even though she was a part of buying the presents for my stocking - she tells me that "Santa got it" for me. She's more of a realist; yet is able to join in the fun conversation of St. Nick with the other two.
Sounds a lot like me.
I've had to really dig deep. Do I actually BELIEVE in God? Do I have faith in something I can't see? Sometimes, it seems less crazy to believe in Santa Clause. At least Santa leaves some evidence of his existence (fraudulent though it may be). I look around me and I see broken Christians. I see my heart filled with sin and corruption. I see hypocrites. There are times that I feel like everything I see points to a no-god reality. If God has offered me salvation, why am I still so broken and hurt? If God offers redemption, why is there so much sin, emotionalism, arrogance and duplicity in the church?
And yet, His reality is my deepest hope. And I search for His substance, His evidence. Everyday I have to get up, look in the mirror and ask myself if I'm really going to believe all of it. And the answer is yes. Though it is not easy.
There are many days I feel that my own humanity will thwart God's ability to show His reality in my life. I don't doubt Him, I doubt me. And with good reason. There are many days that I feel unworthy of salvation, unworthy of grace (and please spare me the Sunday school talk about how none of us are worthy; I already know that - some of us sure do a great job of making others feel more worthy than others). All of this talk about duplicity and sin in the church is directed mostly toward me, you understand. I'm the one who is the hypocrite. I'm the one who, despite my best efforts (and again, spare me the talk about not needing to "try" or put forth effort and just let God blah blah blah - I'm talking about reality here) can not get it right. I just can't get it right. I know all the scriptures, I've sang all the songs, I've said all the prayers - and have fully meant all of it most of the time. Shouldn't this come easier now? Why do I feel like most of my fruit is rotten? I'm tired of trying, and even more tired of failing. And I ask myself, "Why?"
And the answer I come to is that if I choose not to believe then I fall into an abyss of despair that is far deeper than the one I have dug for myself. If I choose to reject God's reality, then there is absolutely nothing I can stand on and hold to. So, I believe. Though I am still searching for the evidence.
I'm hurt. I'm broken. From my own actions. From others. I feel hopeless. Worthless. I feel damaged at the core, unable to be fixed. Rejected. I guess that's the biggest one, rejected.
And even here as I weep - I hear the voice the Word speaking to me about Jesus: "He was despised and rejected by men." Comforting words for certain (though the dark part of me reminds me that He didn't do anything wrong, He had no reason to be rejected - I certainly have done wrong and deserve the rejection I feel). Still it's comforting to know that I can sit down with Him and say - "this really sucks, and I'm really tired." And He can identify with those feelings (thanks again, Hebrews).
So there's a little evidence for me today. It's not much, but maybe it'll be enough.
As I continue to survey the wreckage of my life, as I start to try and reconcile the heartbreak I feel and the heartbreak I have caused; I plead for God to show me more evidence, more substance. As I continue to wonder about the days ahead and all the questions that come along with it, I plead for God to show me more evidence, more substance. There's so much that points to it all being made up, some elaborate fairy tale.
But today, I'm choosing to believe.
Kaley, come here. Tell me about Santa.
(p.s. if this is considered mustard seed faith, I've got some mountains I need to talk to)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
